Have you ever set out to do something but for some reason that thing just didn’t get done? Maybe you wished you would start going to the gym again or maybe you wanted to start saving more money. It’s like what often happens when we make a New Year’s resolution. We start out with high hopes and excitement but 3 months later…nada!
It’s frustrating, isn’t it? So, what’s the problem? You’ve created an achievable goal. You did everything right. You gave yourself a deadline, put sticky notes on all surfaces of the house including the dog, you even created a dream board so big it blocks the bathroom door, but it still doesn’t happen! Eventually, you just get frustrated and give up. What’s going on here?
Chances are, if you think you want something to happen in your life and it doesn’t, then most likely it’s not that the thought isn’t worthwhile but rather that your heart just isn’t in it. Let me explain.
The Three Levels of Desire
There are three levels of desire; Wishes, Wants and Needs.
A Wish is basically defined as ‘to have a desire for something even though it is unlikely or impossible’. For example, I may wish I was as funny as Robin Williams, but chances are, that’s never going to happen. When I was a kid, I used to go to my mom and say things like “I really wish we could go to Dairy Queen after dinner” she would always say “if wishes were fishes we would all have a net.” Yeah, try being an 8-year-old and figuring that one out.
A Want is a little more serious. A want is often defined as something that we often “feel” we need. When we wish for something, that wish is usually something undefined and will come to us someday. When we say that we want something, we are usually talking about something concrete and, in our minds, needed right now. I want to be a musician, or I want to be rich doesn’t usually include a 5-year plan. The biggest similarity between wishes and wants are that if you don’t get something you want, it usually isn’t life or death. It’s said that children wish, and grownups want.
A Need. A need is a must have. There are only 5 basic needs. Food, water, shelter, basic health care and clothing. Satisfy these needs and you get to keep on living. You don’t need to be rich and most likely you don’t need to know how to play the ukulele, but you will do anything to make sure you have the basic human needs.
Often, the reason we don’t succeed at our goals is that we’ve attached the wrong emotional importance to our desire. We may wish we were wealthier, but do we deep down in our heart really believe it’s attainable and needed? We may want to be healthier but, in the end, would losing 15 lbs. be the difference between life and death? If the answer to these questions is no, then does that mean that the desire is doomed to failure? Not at all. What is required is to look at our desire in a different way and shift the way we are thinking about our goal.
Re-Wire Your Mind For Success
In order to make a goal happen, we need to go beyond the cognitive thoughts of wanting to achieve a goal and dig deeper in order to assign a powerful emotion behind the desire as well. Basically, you need to add a why to your want. That’s done by putting a strong emotional importance to the goal (your want) so that your mind finds a way to
make that desire a necessity (your need) therefore turning it into a reality. You need to change your state of mind.
This is a fantastic video from well-known celebrity coach, Tony Robbins, on changing your mental state. Click Here.
Let me give you a great example of a want versus a need.
Let’s say you and your five-year-old daughter are on the rooftop of a 20-story building on a very windy day. You see that there is another building the same height that’s only 20 feet away. Straddling the two buildings is a sturdy three-foot-wide plank. As you are noticing this, a man steps out from behind you and says, “let me offer you a deal”. He says, “if you are willing to cross that plank from this building to that building I will pay you $200 guaranteed!” Of course, who wouldn’t want to have an extra two hundred dollars given to you for free but as you look over the edge of the building and realize just how high you really are, and if you’re like most of us, you’ll turn to the man and say no way! There is no way I’d risk my life for two hundred dollars. Your brain tells you that there just isn’t enough motivation.
Now, let me give you another example. You’re still standing on that windy rooftop with your five-year-old. The plank is still there. But this time when you look over to the other building, you see your daughter. She somehow slipped away, crawled across that plank, and is sitting precariously on the edge of the other building about to fall. Would you use that plank to cross over now? If you are a parent, my guess is that you would be crossing over to the other side before you had much time to think about the danger. In this case, your emotion gives you all the motivation you need. That is the difference between a want and a need. You may intellectually want an extra two extra hundred dollars, but you would emotionally need to save the life of your child.
And that is why many times when we want to achieve something we fail. Not because the achievement isn’t worthwhile but, in our minds, it is more of a wish or want than a need.
The Power of Why
So how do we apply that thinking to help us successfully achieve our goals? The answer is in the why. The next time that you decide that there is something that you would like to achieve instead of just thinking what you want, start off by finding out why do you want it. Once you have figured out a solid why then you can dig deep within yourself and attach a strong emotional reason to that why and you will have improved your chance of success exponentially.
Let’s use another practical example:
Kathryn gets on the scale and by all accounts, she is about 40 lbs. overweight. It’s depressing but it’s not like it’s a surprise and it certainly didn’t happen overnight. She’s a single mom, hours behind a computer screen at work, after hour cocktails and Friday night pizza have slowly replaced her 6 pack abs with a Buddha belly. That’s it! She’s done.
She’s going to get back into shape. Summer is only a season away and she really wishes she looked better in a bathing suit. She decides that It’s time to get back into fighting shape. Well, you know the story. Little by little, she got discouraged and distracted and four months later she’s sitting on the beach watching all young moms flouncing (yes, I said flouncing) around the beach in their bikinis while she sits on her lawn chair in a black oversized t-shirt and sweatpants.
So “why” did Kathryn’s goal fail? Let’s break it down.
On the positive side, the great thing is that she made a choice. Half of success is setting the goal.
Why it failed:
It never got past the wish stage. She wished that could look better. There was no feeling of need attached to the goal.
Without a powerful emotional reason behind what she wanted to accomplish; it was easier for things to distract her from her goal.
She needed a stronger why to keep her working on her goal even when things got tough.
You need to dig deep to discover your why. For example, here is her goal expressed with four different levels of why.
She wants to lose weight to look better.
She wants to lose weight so that she can fit into her old bathing suit.
She wants to lose weight because her health is beginning to suffer.
She wants to lose weight so that she will have the energy to be able to keep up with her kids when they want her to go out and play. She feels like she is missing out on important quality time with her kids because she is always so tired.
Which level of why do you think would have motivated her to keep up with her desire and successfully reach her goal?
The Six Steps To Successfully Completing Your Goal
1. Set a goal: What do you want to achieve?
2. Set a deadline: When do you want to complete your goal?
3. Create a powerful Why: Why is achieving this goal so important?
4. Make a plan: What steps do you need to follow to make this work?
5. Write it down: If it’s in your brain it’s a wish. Writing it down makes it real.
6. Review: Check in daily and see where you’re at. If you feel that you’re not getting where you want to then revise your plan as needed.
The more powerful your why, the more likely you are to succeed with your goal. Your why has to be so powerful that it supersedes any negative reactions, roadblocks that will inevitably come up. When you start thinking in terms of your why anything becomes possible.
So, next time you decide to make a New Year’s resolution, remember the power of why.
After all, if wishes were fishes, then we would all have nets.
Comments